Life in a ‘Delhi Metro’

Here’s a study into the kind of species found being transported in Delhi’s indigenous tube. This study has seen the light of the day after years of eavesdropping and diligent invigilation into the privacy of PDA victims. Here are the 10 most common and interesting passenger types-

1)The lost soul: Usually found resting his arse near the gate. Has a deep philosophical look in the eye. If in mood, you can catch him playing his non-existent guitar or practicing a few jazz steps. 50% probability of wearing plug-ins.

2)The couple in Lowwe: Can’t keep eyes/hands off each other. Efficient travellers as they occupy less square inch due to absence of space between them. Often heard planning holy trips to Goa/Shimla/Manali. Stared and disapproved by old frustrated uncles, who are stared back in return. Their conversations will comprise of a lot of ‘tum’, ‘hum’, ‘shadi’, ‘bache’, ‘bhaiya’, ‘bhabi’, ‘pyar’, ‘mohabbat’. Basically they are a replica of Sooraj Barjatiya’s lead couples, plus the pre-marital sex and minus the good-looks.


3)The snoozing uncles: This is the type I despise most. They are the firm believers of ‘power nap’. They will somehow always find a place to sit, give their kilometre long tummy a nice rub and doze off in no time. Have the ability to sleep while sitting on one ass. Usually have practised the art of mind alarms. 10% probability of missing their stops and waking up with a Harman Baweja expression, (read) expressionless.

4)The adjusting aunties: No matter if there are hundreds of zombie looking passengers standing since time immemorial, this type has the first right to sit. She will aim for the 10 centimetre gab between you and person sitting next and will authoritatively ask you to ‘adjust’. Your reflexes would fail you as the flesh of her bum will cushion your left thigh in pain. She will give you a victorious smile and then mobile ‘chintu’ to buy besan from the kirana shop.


5)Mr know all: He boasts of a precious PhD in ‘metro travelling’. He will know most of the security guards and fellow passengers by name. He looks like the type who will befriend you to sell insurance plans and will have a son studying in Australia. He will know all the tricks of the trade, like which nanosecond is auspicious for de-boarding the train, which coach will have unaware teenagers sitting on seats reserved for the old, which gate to exit from, which escalator is dysfunctional, which staircase would be less crowded and likewise. This type comes to your rescue when you misplace your token and he teaches you the dying art of exiting without tokens.

6)The potential molester: Usually takes the last few rides of the night. Ranges from anywhere near 30-50. Smells of work and alcohol. Stands near the gate or crowded spots to feel-up potential victims. He is also the silent farter releasing poisonous gases that causes more damage to the lungs then the good old tobacco. I suggest a Green Peace petition asking for a ban against his public movement.

7)The dudes: As the plurality suggests, they always come in a pair. Wardrobe sponsored by Palika bazaar/Tibetan monastery. Mobile phones sponsored by Gaffar Market. Their t-shirt reads irritable/ancient quotes like my dad is an ATM machine, so many girlfriends-so little time and likewise! Have multiple piercings with silver studs. Their hair is always in a high-tide state, irrespective of the presence of moon. Their shoes looks like four Nano’s parked outside an office complex. Will ogle and smile at every girl who enters the train. If ogled back, they will start whispering is each other’s ears to make you feel embarrassed.

8)The music maestro: He supports Jairam Ramesh and will righteously blast his Chinese mobile to aching volume even as the background reverberates with the message, ‘Kripaya metro me sangeet na bajaye’. His favorites are Jazzy B, Lady Gaga and Shakira.


9)The messaging syndrome sufferer: This is the female split version of Type 2 disease. She is obviously missing her boyfrand in this long/uncomfortable/lonely metro ride. Her typing is faster than India’s exit from T-20 World Cup. She is oblivious to the glances of the ‘dudes’ and the ‘potential molester’. You don’t have to strain your eyeballs to read her messages which often says, Jaanu tumne khana khaya?, Nonu miss you, Sona tum mujhse naraz ho kya? Or Muah! I Love you my puppyheart! (whatever that means)

10)The die-heart optimist: He has never had the pleasure of sitting for more than an hour in his entire life’s metro journey. He behaves like a spy/detective. He tries to read body language of passengers occupying seats and accordingly stands near the person who he believes is most likely to get down at the next station. He patiently waits supporting his misjudgment, as passengers near his previous positions keep getting up. This even goes on in his next life.